I know Chrissy Teigen is video of oral female sexsick of her tweets becoming articles. Understandable. But Chrissy, while I love you, I am not writing this for you. I am writing this for a gorgeous snail.
In an Instagram story that was apparently viewed by 3 million people, Teigen documented a snail's slow glide across a wooden deck. (Spoiler, in case you don't like horror films: he made it to the other side.) The snail, with its pleasant chartreuse shell, looked like a little banana pepper, and moved at a slow, fairly steady pace.
Aspirational!
Reader, I was unbelievably transfixed by the snail. When the snail reached safety, I whispered, "Great job." I briefly understood the appeal of televised sports. I wished the Homeward Boundmusic was playing. All surefire signs of a good film.
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Anyway, I hope the snail reads this.
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