LONDON -- A few weeks back,eroticism, death, spirituality by bataille while out with some colleagues, a notification flashed up on my phone's screen. I had a new Tinder match. Disinterested, I stowed my phone and looked up to see my colleague Maya's eyes glimmering with excitement. Bemused, I handed her my phone so she could take over my Tinder and Bumble.
Up until now, my foray into the realm of online dating had been nothing short of a disappointment.
You swipe right. It's a match. You say hi. They say hi. Then... silence. It's over before it's even begun. And, you're back where you started.
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It's not about lack of opportunity, for me. When matches abound, "meeting" people is no longer the problem. The challenge lies in sustaining the limited attention span of a match, or even getting an initial response.
Maya began swiping right, firing off messages, and -- lo and behold -- engaging in conversations. She seemed to be having better luck than I'd ever had. So, what was I doing wrong?
As Mashable UK's social producer, engagement is her thing. Maya knows what will -- and won't -- ensnare people's attention. And, she was using this skill to her advantage on Tinder and Bumble.
This got me thinking: if we were to apply the same skills and knowledge I use for my job at Mashable, would I have more luck?
I decided the best way for me to test this theory out was to let my colleagues -- all of whom are in relationships -- take over my online love life for a week and apply their professional specialisms and knowledge to the task.
Tim Chester ★☆☆☆☆
Mashable UK’s deputy editor Tim Chester was first to take over my online dating apps. And, let’s just say it took him a little while to get going.
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable Tim’s been out of the dating game for some time, and online dating apps were a whole new realm to him. Which might explain why he didn’t have much luck.
Tim decided to put his interviewing skills to good use, but this technique -- though useful in his day job -- didn't seem to pay off in my online love life. His opening lines -- put bluntly -- were boring.
While navigating Tinder's tricky terrain, Tim also experienced one of the many joys of online dating: sexually explicit messages. Though, it has to be said, I personally wouldn't have replied after receiving the first message in this thread.
Tim's pick-up lines:
"Hi. I'm sitting next to a Sam."
"Hey, how's it going?"
"Hi, how are you?"
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable Verdict: Shrivelled up
“Most of my connections shrivelled up into mutual disinterest before I passed the mantle on,” says Tim.
"Thank God I met my wife ten years ago. On MySpace."
Top marks for effort, Tim.
Liza Hearon ★★★★☆
Mashable UK's assistant editor is a font of knowledge when it comes to current affairs. She decided to put this knowledge to good use, to ask the people of Tinder and Bumble how they felt about the really important issues that Britain is facing in 2016.
Instead of Tim's casual "Hey, how are you?" Liza decided to ask some pretty prescient questions concerning the European Union referendum, London's mayoral elections and even the privatisation of the UK's National Health Service (NHS).
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable Liza's pick-up lines
"How would you feel about putting crème fraîche in spaghetti carbonara?"
"Should there be another runway at Heathrow or Gatwick airports?"
"How do you feel about Brexit?"
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable Verdict: "Just making conversation!"
Liza's technique seemed to be better suited to Tinder, where her questions were a roaring success. The matches she approached delved right into the topics and proffered their unfiltered opinions.
On Bumble, however, the questions didn't go down quite so well. But, hey, tough crowd!
Go Liza!
Sam Haysom ★★★★★
Sam is basically Mashable UK's chief Game of Thronescorrespondent. And, so naturally, he decided to apply his font of GoTknowledge to my love life. Because, why not?
Via GiphySam's technique worked a treat on Tinder, and he decided not to bother with any other apps. Sam discovered that Tinder is actually crawling with Game of Thronesfans who are just dying to indulge in an in-depth analysis of the show. Sam hit it off straight away with a chap called Will, who seemed to be just as much of a mega-fan as Sam.
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable Of course, there were a couple of occasions when Sam's efforts didn't pay off...
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable ...Because Sam only had eyes for one match in particular.
Sam's pick-up lines
"Hodor."
"Winter is coming."
"Hi, do you watch Game of Thrones?"
Verdict: You know nothing, Sam Haysom.
Just kidding. Turns out Sam is pretty good at this whole conversation malarkey. Unlike Tim and Liza, Sam decided to keep the conversation going with a select few matches, rather than as many people as possible. This meant he developed a pretty strong bond with Game of Thrones fanboy Will.
Good job, Sam.
Maya Ninel ★★☆☆☆
Maya is a social media genius. She decided to follow in Liza and Sam's footsteps and talk to matches about her area of interest.
Unfortunately, not everyone on Tinder shared Maya's enthusiasm for social media.
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable Once she managed to persuade Tom that she wasn't a market researcher, Maya and Tom got into a heated discussion about social media, which -- alas -- eventually fizzled out.
Maya tried to salvage her performance by messaging several matches with "hey, how are you" and "hi, how's it going", but her attempts were in vain. These messages received no responses.
Maya's pick-up lines
"Hi, how's it going?"
"Hey, how are you?"
Verdict: "Erm"
If we learned one thing from Maya's efforts -- and indeed Tim's -- it's that the standard "hey, how's it going" line just does not cut it. Creativity is key.
Via GiphyGianluca Mezzofiore ★☆☆☆☆
As you can probably tell from aGianluca's name, he's Italian. And, he's completely obsessed with sunshine.
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable Compared with the fervour dominating Sam and Liza's conversations, this inane chatter about British weather just wasn't going to cut it in the long-term. Sorry, Gianluca.
Gianluca's pick-up lines
"Hey, enjoying the sun?"
"Hey, how's it going?"
Verdict: Ain't no sunshine
As we learned with Tim and Maya's efforts, Gianluca's opening lines just weren't grabby enough. Let's face it, I don't really want to know if you're enjoying the weather, or how you are right this very minute, I want to know where your interests lie and whether we are compatible. Try harder next time!
The take-home lessons
Throughout this week-long experience, I learned a lot from the failings and successes of my colleagues. Just like Tim, Maya and Gianluca, I too have long been guilty of sending countless matches the standard "hey, how's it going?" line. And, I'm ashamed to say that my efforts on Tinder and Bumble up until now wouldn't even merit a one-star rating.
But, I've learned that my lack of success was most likely due to my unimaginative messages. In the instances where matches were asked challenging and interesting questions -- be they about politics or Game of Thrones -- there was a 100% response rate.
So, next time you match with someone, consider asking them about something you're passionate about. You might just find a kindred spirit.
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