The ?? ?? ???season of awkward gifts approacheth.
Whether it's Father's Day, Mother's Day, or some kind of International Marketing Research Firm™️ branded holiday, nothing is more irritating than being forced to buy a gift for someone who insists they don't want a gift.
Of course they want a gift. We all want shit we don't need. They, and especially our dads, just don't know how to ask for what they want.
SEE ALSO: Dad jokes, rankedMost Father's Day gift guides are geared to please the Midwestern Cis Heterosexual Bear Dad: a man who likes meat, Android phones, sitting outside the changing room while his wife shops, overpriced gadgets from Brookstone, fishing, and "telling it like it is." But how many dads exist like that in nature? Maybe like five, tops.
There's so many different types of fathers out there, so let's spice up our gift ideas a bit. To start, here are some potential gifts for the awesome trans dad in your life.
1. Brunch at a place that serves more than Egg's Benedict.
STOP. AVOCADO TOAST SHAMING Credit: astrid stawiarz/Getty Images for CBD For Life Hollandaise sauce is a gift, but there's so much more to breakfast cuisine. Consider a place that transcends hotel omelette bar cuisine and doesn't make you choose between fries and salad.
2. A high-end pooper scooper for the doggo (Auggiedog, $129.99)
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable It is an insult to the human hand that it's forced to pick up dog feces with an old plastic bag. Step up your dad's dog poop game and consider buying this high tech pooper scooper that minimizes fecal contact.
3. Flowers (Urbanstems, $48)
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable Why do moms get to dominate the flower market? Everyone who's sentient loves flowers. Go tulips or go home.
4. Luxury insoles (Everyday insoles, $47.96)
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable So many shoes for parents are made without proper arch support. I don't even have children, and I sat on my butt all day -- and I still require orthotics. Embrace your father's inner elder and consider something like this.
5. Non-humiliating sunglasses (Warby Parker, price varies)
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable A lot of ophthalmologists right now are trying to push transition lenses. Do not let this happen to your father or anyone you care about. You cannot go wrong with a cool pair of sunglasses.
6. Bourgie moisturizer (Amazon, $29)
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable Regardless of your gender identity, everyone's skin gets dry. And everyone could benefit from purchasing a moisturizer that they publicly cast as "expensive bullshit," but privately want so, so badly.
7. Jane Fonda's workout videos from the '80s (Amazon, $47.00 for the full collection)
Let's not lie: working out is a necessary evil. Indulge your parent by giving them the workout routine of their childhood/the only form of exercise that approximates "fun."
8. A really good book that they can finish in an hour (The Fran Lebowitz Reader, $13.95, Amazon)
Screw boring, Barnes and Noble discounted presidential history, unless it's the Hamilton book. Get their Goodreads score up by giving them an awesome book they can finish in an hour.
9. An actually nice card (read: probably not homemade) that reminds them you love them
We all need to be reminded of this, constantly. Do unto others as you would unto your dog.
10. Whatever you would get your father even if they were a cis guy. I mean, duh.
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable But really you don't even need a list like this. It's just a reminder that fathers are people, not Ron Swanson carbon copies.
Individualize your gift to the human they are.
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