Fresh Hell
The best dispatches from our grim new reality
Jason Arias o
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YouTubers do the darndest things
In a concerted effort to boost the beleaguered image of YouTube celebrities, one altruistic schnook vlogging under the moniker “ReSet” took to the streets of Barcelona to distribute gratis a moveable feast: Oreos filled with toothpaste. During his filmed excursion, he came across a homeless man named George L. to whom he offered a nibble of this delightful snack. “Maybe I’ve gone a bit far,” he muses to his followers, “but look at the positive side: this will help him clean his teeth. I think he hasn’t cleaned them since he became poor.” The homeless man became violently ill within minutes, and now the YouTuber faces up to two years in prison and a $37,133 fine for his virtuous culinary antics—which in the past have also included feeding cat shit sandwiches to children and the elderly (for laughs!)—or what prosecutors are calling a crime against “moral integrity.”
Diary of a Gloved Sartorialist
For the streetwear fiends among us vying to spring clean in the lap of superficiality, the Raf Simon’s designed line Calvin Klein 205W39NYC has just the thing: $390 “rose” pink rubber gloves. These vanguard adornments are made in Ohio of 100 percent synthetic rubber and represent a stylish advancement over other, terribly proletarian rubber gloves available only in the most garish shades of pink. (Make sure to complete the look with a five thousand dollar dulled atomic yellow rubber top and skirt combo!)
Curse of the Puppet Master
The military took a draconian, discriminatory stand against puppets this week after a video surfaced depicting a member of the Tennessee National Guard calling upon a dinosaur hand puppet to assist in reciting her reenlistment oath of loyalty to our fair and just militarized surveillance state. The woman of whimsy was promptly discharged and could face further disciplinary action—along with the since-demoted colonel who administered the oath—despite the fact that the video was produced purely to impress upon her offspring the jollity inherent in her institution’s work safeguarding the interests of capital and abetting the kind folks keeping an eye on the border under attack from subhumans. As per the official statement, “This single act does not reflect the selfless dedication and professionalism shown everyday by the outstanding Airmen of our Air National Guard in their service to our great nation.”
Get that rich man a sofa!
Cash-rich but ostensibly couch-poor Elon Musk—our patron saint of innovation—shocked the nation when it became apparent the billionaire, after a long day fighting to colonize Mars, often retires to an indisputably uncomfortable sofa in a Tesla factory conference room to sleep. Hundreds of thousands may be homeless, but damnit if Elon isn’t getting in some restorative shuteye! Thankfully, one big-hearted Californian started a GoFundMe to raise the necessary funds to subsidize Elon’s REM cycles. It raised over seven thousand dollars. (Our studious fact checkers, however, have confirmed that, in at least one of Musk’s five Bel-Air roosts, there are a great many, perfectly adequate sofas.)
Ruin porn—but for public education!
Despite already relying on ingenious funding alternatives to the public purse—including crowdfunding and siphoning spare change from their own paltry paychecks—school teachers have inundated the Times with arbitrary complaints about the deteriorating quality of their environs: fifteen-year old textbooks held together with duct tape, wasps taking up residence in classroom ceilings, near-empty libraries, watercolors contrived from steeping old markers in water, on and on goes this litany of moaning. They even had the gall to furnish photographic evidence!
“Gay Houseboys and those who hire them”
The folks at BuzzFeedhave uncovered a perverse aberration in our otherwise highly functioning, totally equitable housing market: young men all but forced into sexual and domestic servitude to male landlords in exchange for rent. In the first installment of the new investigative series, Patrick Strudwick delves into the machinations of the since-terminated Facebook group “Gay Houseboy’s and those who hire them” in which underemployed precariats grovel for the chance to sup from the outstretched palms of and be fucked by the homo-bourgeoisie.